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Dutch People - The Manual
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1. Never use the word "Dutch" in front of a Hollander. It reminds
him too much of the word "Deutsch" which is a word for Germans and
other things he doesn't like. A Dutchman is a Hollander or a
Nederlander.
2. Never ever try to speak Hollands even if you have lived in
Holland for more than five years. Not only will it give you a
splitting headache but also Hollanders won't understand a single
word of what you are trying to say. Foreigners are expected to
speak English or gibberish. Speaking gibberish they are easy prey for
pickpockets since they can't make a report to the police.
3. Also never try to eat "drop". Drop is a kind of licorice that
only Hollanders can eat. It can be recognized by its colour: black.
The taste is a cross between printer ink (blue) and earwax.
Hollanders absolutely love it and eat kilos of the revolting stuff.
There is a nationwide conspiracy to look at the faces of foreigners
who are tricked into believing it is edible.
4. Do not buy wooden shoes. They will look absolutely silly on you.
Which is ofcourse the main reason for selling them to you in the
first place. A Hollander himself wouldn't like to be found dead in
them. (As a matter of fact, they wouldn't like to be found dead at
all)
5. Do not make holes in dikes. Behaviour like that is not only
frowned upon but in certain cases can get you stoned to death with
wooden shoes by an angry mob. You may feel free however to stick a
finger in any dike you like. It'll get you a few good laughs from
the natives.
6. A Hollander is always right and he knows it. With this in the
back of your mind it is easy to deal with most of them. If ever you
get into an argument with a Hollander, tell him that he is
absolutely right and that you see the error of your ways. This will
drive him absolutely crazy: Since you are a foreigner you can't be
right. You agree with him. Therefore he also cannot be right.
Impossible! He is a Hollander. But.. why.. he.. At this point you
may want to stand back and watch him try to strangle himself with a
tulip.
7. Windmills are unavoidable.
8. It is not necessary to show an interest in tulips, windmills,
wooden shoes or cheese. Every Hollander knows that you came for the
softdrugs or the Amsterdam red light district, the Walletjes. Both
are available in a large quantity and are easy to find. Ask any
Hollander age six or older or any French tourist (see items 19 &
20)
9. Avoid fans of soccer games at all cost. Soccer in Holland is
merely an excuse used for bashing in the brains of just about
everyone else, including yours, after the game is won. ...Or
lost...Or if it is a draw. It is also very unwise to stand near a
policeman during these festivities. (see item 10) Also, whenever
there's a Hollander around: "Don't mention the '74 final!". You'll
end up in an ongoing discussion about how well the Orange team
played and how marvellous it is that a small country like Holland
has such a good team and blah-de-blah-de-blah.
10. Policemen in Holland may be used for throwing things at. If you
feel like hitting someone or something, use a policeman. No
Hollander will pay any attention if you decide to hit, maim, or
kick a policeman in the groin. Policemen represent authority and no
Hollander recognizes any authority higher than himself. You may
also note that a lot of Hollandse policemen are in fact foreigners
tricked into taking the job.
11. Hollanders do not like to spend money, they'd sooner cut off
their own ears. A Hollander will become a friend for life if you
give him something for free. (Note: Social diseases are an
exception) LOL This might explain the success of MacDonald's in
Holland. The story that copper wire is an invention of two
Hollanders fighting over a found cent is absolutely true.
12. Holland is small. There is a rumour that Holland is put inside
during rainstorms. Not true, but that is mainly because it rains
about 365 days each year. This might also explain those wooden
shoes: They float. Yes, Holland is small and Hollanders are proud
of it. They will grab every opportunity to point out to you that the
nation has accomplished great things, despite of it being so small.
A suitable answer to this swank is the Hollander's imperialistic
past. Wich brings us -rather nicely- to item 13.
13. If you wish to insult a Hollander -and sooner or later you
will - simply tell him you don't think he is a pacifist. Now immediately
start running for your life. He'll want to prove to you that he is
a peace loving person and he won't stop proving this until your
intestines are scattered all over the floor. However, mentioning a
supposedly imperialistic past considering Surinam and/or Indonesia,
will instantly reduce a Hollander to a pathetic, sniffing and
crying child, begging for forgiveness.
14. The Hollanders are supposed to be tolerant. They are not. They
simply make too much money from the sale of soft- and hard-drugs,
Malaysian women and pornography to foreigners to let an opportunity
for making a good profit go by.
15. The main form of public transportation in Holland is bikes.
Feel free to take any bike of which you are able to pick the lock. Don't
expect your own bike however to be where you left it three minutes
earlier. The hunting season for bikes is open 365 days a year. Have
fun.
16. At nearly every meal in Holland you will find a small vicious
looking blade with a slit in it. It is called a "kaasschaaf" and is
used for taking very thin (the see-through kind) slices of the
cheese. Yes, it is indeed an invention made by a Nederlander. Never
cut cheese with a knife, you'll make an utter fool of yourself.
Another peculiar dinner tool is the "flessenlikker", which
literally means "bottle-licker", but which is best translated by
"yoghurt-scraper".
Note that this tool is not meant to get rid of an itchy back or for
your nightly escapades. It's designed to clean out bottles of
yoghurt or "vla" which is a sort of custard. The Nederlanders wants
to use absolutely every millilitre of the yoghurt or 'vla' he
bought. He paid for all of it and he'll jolly well eat all of it.
17. At the time of this writing, the Hollandse economy is doing
quite well. The Hollanders say that this is the result of extensive
negotiating between parties like the unions, the employers and the
government. They even have a name for this: The polder model.
Foreigners are made to believe that this polder model is the key to
a healthy economy and if others should follow this polder model,
their economy's will also improve dramatically. This is utter
nonsense. Hollanders just love to talk and talk and talk. Calling
all this talking negotiations only gives them a sense of doing
something useful. Talk is not cheap in Holland. 
