Jokes and riddles
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[GR]Kermit
- Posts: 1312
- Joined: 19-03-2003 17:20
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You LOVE it 
:D
" A train is travelling at a high speed when all of a sudden the driver comes over the tannoy and says
" I have some bad news, we are heading toward the end of the line and the breaks have failed, we are soon to crashed and there is nothing we can do"
The wave of panic washes over the train, one woman stands up , strips off naked and screams
"CAN ANY MAN MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A REAL WOMAN BEFORE I DIE ?!!"
With this a man jumps up , he strips off all of his clothes and replies
"Yeah you can iron these"
:D" A train is travelling at a high speed when all of a sudden the driver comes over the tannoy and says
" I have some bad news, we are heading toward the end of the line and the breaks have failed, we are soon to crashed and there is nothing we can do"
The wave of panic washes over the train, one woman stands up , strips off naked and screams
"CAN ANY MAN MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A REAL WOMAN BEFORE I DIE ?!!"
With this a man jumps up , he strips off all of his clothes and replies
"Yeah you can iron these"
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
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NoSexualFreak
- Banned
- Posts: 479
- Joined: 21-03-2005 20:46
Joe buys a parrot, and the first night he has it, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!"
After he takes her home, he says to the parrot, "You pull that shit again, I'll slash your throat and throw you in the toilet."
The next night, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!"
Joe grabs the parrot, slashes his throat, and throws him in the toilet. He goes back to the girl and it turns out she's having her period, so she excuses herself to go yank out her tampon.
She's sitting on the bowl after she yanks it out, when she hears, I'm gonna live! I'm gonna live!"
She says, "What do you mean, 'You're gonna live'?"
The parrot points to her bloody snatch and says, "If you can live with a gash like THAT, I can live with a gash like this!"
After he takes her home, he says to the parrot, "You pull that shit again, I'll slash your throat and throw you in the toilet."
The next night, he brings home a girl, and the parrot screeches, "He's gonna try to fuck you! He's gonna try to fuck you!"
Joe grabs the parrot, slashes his throat, and throws him in the toilet. He goes back to the girl and it turns out she's having her period, so she excuses herself to go yank out her tampon.
She's sitting on the bowl after she yanks it out, when she hears, I'm gonna live! I'm gonna live!"
She says, "What do you mean, 'You're gonna live'?"
The parrot points to her bloody snatch and says, "If you can live with a gash like THAT, I can live with a gash like this!"
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NoSexualFreak
- Banned
- Posts: 479
- Joined: 21-03-2005 20:46
This chap goes to place his wife's obituary in the local paper, unfortunately he only has £1 and for that he gets three words. He asks the the women if he can just put "Doris is Dead" as he only has one pound to his name.
She explains to him that this is probably not enough and taking pity on him offers him six words for his pound.
The old chap really appreciates this gesture and increases the obituary to:
"Doris is Dead, car for sale"!
She explains to him that this is probably not enough and taking pity on him offers him six words for his pound.
The old chap really appreciates this gesture and increases the obituary to:
"Doris is Dead, car for sale"!
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NoSexualFreak
- Banned
- Posts: 479
- Joined: 21-03-2005 20:46
my lord:P
Thorn was trying real hard to get the best-looking cheerleader in school to go out on a date with him. She finally agreed, but only on condition that he arrange a date for her best friend too. That was fine with Thorn, but when Friday night came around he hadn't been able to line anyone up so he asked his retarded brother Futhman if he would help him out. "Why sure," said Futhman, "but you know, I've never been out with a girl before."
"No problem," said Thorn. "Just do everything I do."
Off the four of them go to the drive-in, and when Thorn started kissing his date, Futhman followed suit. Soon Thorn had the cheerleader's bra undone, so Futhman undid his date's. Next, Thorn was feeling inside her panties, but when Futhman tried to follow suit, his date told him to quit.
"Why?" asked Futhman, anxiously noting that his brother was getting quite a head start in the front seat.
"I have my period," she said.
"You're what?"
"I'm bleeding down there," she explained, blushing.
"This I gotta see," said Futhman. He turned on the headlights, dragged his date out in front of the car, and pulled down her pants. White-faced, he said, "Hell, I'd be bleeding too, if my dick were chopped off!"
Thorn was trying real hard to get the best-looking cheerleader in school to go out on a date with him. She finally agreed, but only on condition that he arrange a date for her best friend too. That was fine with Thorn, but when Friday night came around he hadn't been able to line anyone up so he asked his retarded brother Futhman if he would help him out. "Why sure," said Futhman, "but you know, I've never been out with a girl before."
"No problem," said Thorn. "Just do everything I do."
Off the four of them go to the drive-in, and when Thorn started kissing his date, Futhman followed suit. Soon Thorn had the cheerleader's bra undone, so Futhman undid his date's. Next, Thorn was feeling inside her panties, but when Futhman tried to follow suit, his date told him to quit.
"Why?" asked Futhman, anxiously noting that his brother was getting quite a head start in the front seat.
"I have my period," she said.
"You're what?"
"I'm bleeding down there," she explained, blushing.
"This I gotta see," said Futhman. He turned on the headlights, dragged his date out in front of the car, and pulled down her pants. White-faced, he said, "Hell, I'd be bleeding too, if my dick were chopped off!"
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NoSexualFreak
- Banned
- Posts: 479
- Joined: 21-03-2005 20:46