I'll have something to show soon <3
new db frontpage
Moderators: Jay2k1, DavidM, The_One
i was just reading the hilarious spam from the news post in anticipation 
in fact here are the jokes, harvested from the spam fresh for the pickin
----------
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
----------
Three Guys In A Bed
Three guys stayed at a skiing lodge, but there was only one room with one bed so they shared it.
During the night the guy on the left wakes up saying he had a dream where he got a hand job.
Incredulously the guy on the right says that he also had a dream where he got a hand job.
The guy in the middle says he dreamed he was skiing.
----------
A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that is about to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes himself off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading his magazine.
The woman cannot believe what she has just seen. Then he sneezes again, unzips, and wipes himself off again with the handkerchief.
The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, but that's disgusting and rude! If you do it again, I'm going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."
He says, "I'm so sorry that I've offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"
"Pepper," he answers.
----------
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home
late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the
neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in
the morning, and from my bed, I called out :'Is that you, Jim ?' And that
cured him." "Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how ?" The neighbour said,
"You see, his name is Bill."
----------
The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made
enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.
"So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.
"We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy. "Couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch."
"Wow!" his friend was impressed. "So, where are all your cows?"
"None of 'em survived the branding."
----------
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna get weighed," she said.
So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna get weighed," she said.
"I really latched onto a square one tonight," thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's room mate was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
She replied, "Oh, Wisa... it was wousy!"
----------
The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.
"I want to get screwed," said the man.
"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an entrance and membership fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.
The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open.
"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"
"What?" said the voice, "Again?"
----------
An elderly gentlemen went in for his annual physical exam.
The doctor said, "You're in incredible shape. How old are you again?"
The man replied, "I am 78." The doctor exclaimed, "Wow, 78. How do you stay so healthy?
You look like a 60 year old." The man explained, "Well, my wife and I made a pact when
we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and
cool off and I would go outside to settle down." "What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.
The man sighed, "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."
----------
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use about 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this, then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, "What?"
----------
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.
The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
"How so?" the encouraged man asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
----------
teacher asks her class " if you didnt have skin what would you want your body to be covered in?"
Little jimmy pipes up " gold miss, coz when i scratch myself i'll get a little pile of gold then one day i could buy a porsche"
"well done jimmy nicely thought"
Little bobby immediately goes one better..." platinum miss....coz its more expensive than gold and i would be able to get a mercedes and a porsche"
"yes yes well done to you too bobby" said miss ...
Little johnny thinks for a minute then shouts out " pubic hair miss...coz my sister has got loads between her legs and you wanna see the motors outside her house"
----------
An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her.
She kept screaming "Fugifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day,
he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a beautiful 340 yard shot and just 50 yards from the pin.
Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fugifoo".
The Japanese clients looked confused and said "What are you talking about, that's the right hole."
----------
Two sausages were in a fry pan, sizzling away.
One says to the other: "Quick, we've got to get out of here - we're starting to cook!"
The other screamed: "ARRRRGGGHHH! A talking sausage!"
in fact here are the jokes, harvested from the spam fresh for the pickin----------
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.
"Nice tits," says the man, "where do you want these blinds?"
----------
Three Guys In A Bed
Three guys stayed at a skiing lodge, but there was only one room with one bed so they shared it.
During the night the guy on the left wakes up saying he had a dream where he got a hand job.
Incredulously the guy on the right says that he also had a dream where he got a hand job.
The guy in the middle says he dreamed he was skiing.
----------
A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that is about to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes himself off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading his magazine.
The woman cannot believe what she has just seen. Then he sneezes again, unzips, and wipes himself off again with the handkerchief.
The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, but that's disgusting and rude! If you do it again, I'm going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."
He says, "I'm so sorry that I've offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."
The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"
"Pepper," he answers.
----------
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home
late, no matter how she tried to stop him. "Take my advice," said the
neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in
the morning, and from my bed, I called out :'Is that you, Jim ?' And that
cured him." "Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how ?" The neighbour said,
"You see, his name is Bill."
----------
The Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made
enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming.
"So, what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when he flew out to visit.
"We had a heck of a time," admitted the new cowboy. "Couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch."
"Wow!" his friend was impressed. "So, where are all your cows?"
"None of 'em survived the branding."
----------
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna get weighed," she said.
So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna get weighed," she said.
"I really latched onto a square one tonight," thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's room mate was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
She replied, "Oh, Wisa... it was wousy!"
----------
The traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.
"I want to get screwed," said the man.
"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an entrance and membership fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.
The man did this, the panel was closed, minutes passed. Nothing happened. He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open.
"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"
"What?" said the voice, "Again?"
----------
An elderly gentlemen went in for his annual physical exam.
The doctor said, "You're in incredible shape. How old are you again?"
The man replied, "I am 78." The doctor exclaimed, "Wow, 78. How do you stay so healthy?
You look like a 60 year old." The man explained, "Well, my wife and I made a pact when
we got married that whenever she got mad she would go into the kitchen and
cool off and I would go outside to settle down." "What does that have to do with it?" asked the doctor.
The man sighed, "I've pretty much lived an outdoor life."
----------
A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use about 15,000 words a day, whereas women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this, then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
Looking stunned, he said, "What?"
----------
A man wanted to determine if both his wife and mistress were faithful to him. So he decided to send them on the same cruise, then later question each one on the other's behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about the people on the trip in general, then casually asked her about the specific behavior of the passenger he knew to be his mistress. "She slept with nearly every man on the ship," his wife reported.
The disheartened man then rendezvoused with his cheating mistress to ask her the same questions about his wife.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
"How so?" the encouraged man asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."
----------
teacher asks her class " if you didnt have skin what would you want your body to be covered in?"
Little jimmy pipes up " gold miss, coz when i scratch myself i'll get a little pile of gold then one day i could buy a porsche"
"well done jimmy nicely thought"
Little bobby immediately goes one better..." platinum miss....coz its more expensive than gold and i would be able to get a mercedes and a porsche"
"yes yes well done to you too bobby" said miss ...
Little johnny thinks for a minute then shouts out " pubic hair miss...coz my sister has got loads between her legs and you wanna see the motors outside her house"
----------
An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her.
She kept screaming "Fugifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day,
he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a beautiful 340 yard shot and just 50 yards from the pin.
Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fugifoo".
The Japanese clients looked confused and said "What are you talking about, that's the right hole."
----------
Two sausages were in a fry pan, sizzling away.
One says to the other: "Quick, we've got to get out of here - we're starting to cook!"
The other screamed: "ARRRRGGGHHH! A talking sausage!"
roflThree Guys In A Bed
Three guys stayed at a skiing lodge, but there was only one room with one bed so they shared it.
During the night the guy on the left wakes up saying he had a dream where he got a hand job.
Incredulously the guy on the right says that he also had a dream where he got a hand job.
The guy in the middle says he dreamed he was skiing
It's worth it!Some old ones....:
Carmen
A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself", she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.
"Beersex."
----------
Difficult words to say when you are drunk......
* Innovative
* Preliminary
* Proliferation
Impossible words to say when you are drunk.....
* Thanks, but I dont want sex
* No, I dont want another drink
* No Kebab for me, thanks
* Sorry, but you are not quite good looking enough for me
* Good evening officer
----------
A nurse was telling a gorgeous co-worker about the Canadian sailor who was a patient in Ward Ten.
“He’s tattooed,” she confided in a low voice, “in a very intimate place!”
“You, mean – “ grasped the beautiful nurse.
“Yes! Isn’t that odd? There’s actually a word tattooed there: ‘Swan.’’’
“This I’ve got to see,” exclaimed the voluptuous one, and she hurried off to Ward Ten. Half an hour later, she returned.
“You were right,” she said, “he is tattooed there. But the word is ‘Saskatchewan’!’’
----------
How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?
- A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.
- A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.
- And an airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.
----------
Forgetful Pilot...
After an airliner encounters a particularly rough patch of turbulence, the captain comes on the intercom to reassure the passengers that everything is okay and that the flight should be smooth the rest of the way.
He forgets to turn off the intercom, however, and everyone in the passenger cabin hears his subsequent comment to the co-pilot: "Boy, I sure could use a blow job and a cup of coffee right about now!" As a flight attendant frantically rushes up the aisle towards the cockpit to warn the captain that his microphone is open, a waggish passenger calls out after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"
----------
Man: "Have I shown you my magic watch?"
Woman: "No, what does it do?"
Man: "It tells me you are not wearing any underwear."
Woman: "Well it must be broken because I am wearing underwear!"
Man: "Hmm... It must be an hour fast."
----------
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
----------
No Toilet Paper
There is a man that just got done eating dinner and he was on his way to a party.
Half way there he said, "man i really gotta take a dump." he got off the freeway, found an abandoned gas station went in there and took a dump.
While he was taking this dump he read a sign that said "There is no tolet paper... You have wipe your ass with your first two fingers, then stick them out the hole and they will be licked clean for you."
Well, he had no choice so he wiped his ass with his fingers and stuck them out the hole.
All of a sudden a guy with two bricks smacked his fingers.
The man screamed with pain and licked his own fingers
----------
Busy Bulls!
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."
----------
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Answer:
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.
----------
Air Freshener
An Avon lady was going in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer.
Two floors later a gentleman got into the elevator. he began to sniff.
The Avon lady asked' "Do you smell something?"
"Well, yes, I do" he replied.
"What does it smell like?"
"Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit in a pine tree."
----------
A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young
woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk,
sporting a variety of tattoos and wearing strange clothing entered.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis,
so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely
disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic
hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read,
"Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing which said,
"Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
----------
During Clinton's interview with the grand jury, the prosecutor held up a
picture of Monica and asked the president if he had ever seen the woman.
Bill Clinton replied, 'I've come across her face a couple of times.
----------
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"
----------
A mother and her son were flying 'Southwest Airlines' from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The stewardess asked, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?' He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, 'Tell your mother that its because Southwest always pulls out on time.'
----------
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
----------
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
'We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,' she said,
'ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?'
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, 'Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?'
----------
Hello
The Correct Way to Come Home Drunk ....
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other
and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after
we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the
driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes
off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the
bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent
splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me
for staying out so late."
His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,
pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in
the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass
and say 'WHO'S HORNY????!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works
every time!!!!"
Carmen
A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.
That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself", she answered.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.
"Beersex."
----------
Difficult words to say when you are drunk......
* Innovative
* Preliminary
* Proliferation
Impossible words to say when you are drunk.....
* Thanks, but I dont want sex
* No, I dont want another drink
* No Kebab for me, thanks
* Sorry, but you are not quite good looking enough for me
* Good evening officer
----------
A nurse was telling a gorgeous co-worker about the Canadian sailor who was a patient in Ward Ten.
“He’s tattooed,” she confided in a low voice, “in a very intimate place!”
“You, mean – “ grasped the beautiful nurse.
“Yes! Isn’t that odd? There’s actually a word tattooed there: ‘Swan.’’’
“This I’ve got to see,” exclaimed the voluptuous one, and she hurried off to Ward Ten. Half an hour later, she returned.
“You were right,” she said, “he is tattooed there. But the word is ‘Saskatchewan’!’’
----------
How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?
- A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.
- A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.
- And an airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.
----------
Forgetful Pilot...
After an airliner encounters a particularly rough patch of turbulence, the captain comes on the intercom to reassure the passengers that everything is okay and that the flight should be smooth the rest of the way.
He forgets to turn off the intercom, however, and everyone in the passenger cabin hears his subsequent comment to the co-pilot: "Boy, I sure could use a blow job and a cup of coffee right about now!" As a flight attendant frantically rushes up the aisle towards the cockpit to warn the captain that his microphone is open, a waggish passenger calls out after her, "Don't forget the coffee!"
----------
Man: "Have I shown you my magic watch?"
Woman: "No, what does it do?"
Man: "It tells me you are not wearing any underwear."
Woman: "Well it must be broken because I am wearing underwear!"
Man: "Hmm... It must be an hour fast."
----------
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
----------
No Toilet Paper
There is a man that just got done eating dinner and he was on his way to a party.
Half way there he said, "man i really gotta take a dump." he got off the freeway, found an abandoned gas station went in there and took a dump.
While he was taking this dump he read a sign that said "There is no tolet paper... You have wipe your ass with your first two fingers, then stick them out the hole and they will be licked clean for you."
Well, he had no choice so he wiped his ass with his fingers and stuck them out the hole.
All of a sudden a guy with two bricks smacked his fingers.
The man screamed with pain and licked his own fingers
----------
Busy Bulls!
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and see if it was 365 times with the same cow."
----------
You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Answer:
Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you're drunk.
----------
Air Freshener
An Avon lady was going in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer.
Two floors later a gentleman got into the elevator. he began to sniff.
The Avon lady asked' "Do you smell something?"
"Well, yes, I do" he replied.
"What does it smell like?"
"Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit in a pine tree."
----------
A Nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young
woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk,
sporting a variety of tattoos and wearing strange clothing entered.
It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis,
so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely
disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic
hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read,
"Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing which said,
"Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
----------
During Clinton's interview with the grand jury, the prosecutor held up a
picture of Monica and asked the president if he had ever seen the woman.
Bill Clinton replied, 'I've come across her face a couple of times.
----------
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman - almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, 'almost'?"
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and you said it was the same as putting it in!"
----------
A mother and her son were flying 'Southwest Airlines' from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'
The stewardess asked, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?' He said that his mother had. So the stewardess said, 'Tell your mother that its because Southwest always pulls out on time.'
----------
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"
She says, "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up."
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, "Man! my hands are really freezing!"
She says again, "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again, "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"
She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"
----------
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
'We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,' she said,
'ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?'
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, 'Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?'
----------
Hello
The Correct Way to Come Home Drunk ....
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other
and says, "You know I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after
we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the
driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes
off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the
bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent
splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me
for staying out so late."
His friend looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,
pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in
the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass
and say 'WHO'S HORNY????!!!' and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works
every time!!!!"
The lady at the Immigration and Naturalization office came into the office late one day to see a room full of people. She took a moment to overhear a conversation already in progress before her anonymity was compromised. Two Italians were engaged in an animated conversation. Her attention was galvanized when she heard one of them say:
First Emma, she coma.
Then I coma.
Then to asses they bump togetha'.
Then I coma again.
Then to asses they bump togetha' again.
Then I coma again.
Then pee twice.
Then I coma one lasta' time.
"You foul mouth swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
He says to her, "Hey, coola downa lady. Imma justa teachin' my frena' howa' to spella' Mississippi."
-----------
An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall.
One of them says, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."
"How did you get it fixed?"
"Well, I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."
Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose.
The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.
That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind.
As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on.
He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, "Honey, look!" She rolls over, turns on the light and says,
"You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"
----------
A drunk man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie is stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his coat pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading.
After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks,
"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The disgusted priest answers: "Loose living, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."
"I'll be damned!" the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologizes: "I'm very sorry; I didn't mean to be so harsh. How bad is your arthritis?"
"Oh, I don't have it," replies the man; "It says here that the Pope does."
--------
Yoga Style
Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities. The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night, when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her two legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic but she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck that way with her butt sticking straight up in the air.
It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
"Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an asshole!"
--------
Open wider
There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.
She does and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."
She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon."
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.
This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"
So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?"
He says "No, I'm trying to get them out."
----------
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,
"There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens." 'How did you know?"
his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,"
he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting
away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them
all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked."
The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained.
"I'm looking for the seal."
---------
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."
---------
A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes.
He pulls one out and starts smoking it. The cashier says, "Excuse me sir,
but you can't smoke in here." The guy says, "Don't you think
it's kinda dumb that I buy them here but can't smoke them here?"
And the cashier replies, "Not at all...we also sell condoms here."
-----------
A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "If neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrusts continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," the physician panted. "I'm going to drown the little bugger!"
------------
Sexual Maturity
Little Johnny was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and though the crime seemed highly improbable, the evidence was overwhelming.
As a last, desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed his tiny penis for all to see.
"Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried, turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small, still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?"
Growing more agitated he went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman."
"WATCH IT," yelped Little Johnny. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!"
----------
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the
criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalised.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a
bed near the window?"
-------
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea....let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good", he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."
----------
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.
He does so and she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Well, can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" the woman asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his thick hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman - clearly aroused "is there anything I can do?".
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to lick them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
First Emma, she coma.
Then I coma.
Then to asses they bump togetha'.
Then I coma again.
Then to asses they bump togetha' again.
Then I coma again.
Then pee twice.
Then I coma one lasta' time.
"You foul mouth swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
He says to her, "Hey, coola downa lady. Imma justa teachin' my frena' howa' to spella' Mississippi."
-----------
An old farmer is having trouble getting his bull to breed with the cows and is lamenting the fact to a few of his friends down at the local beer hall.
One of them says, "Ya know, Ben, I used to have the same trouble with my bull, but I got it fixed really quick."
"How did you get it fixed?"
"Well, I just dipped my finger in the cow's vagina and rubbed it all over the bull's nose and he got right after her."
Ben goes home to the farm and decides to try it. He grabs a cow, dips his fingers in the cow's vagina and rubs it all around the bull's nose.
The bull gets a rip roaring boner and jumps on the cow immediately. Ben was impressed.
That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind.
As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and gets a rip roaring hard on.
He quickly shakes his wife awake and cries out, "Honey, look!" She rolls over, turns on the light and says,
"You mean you woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that you have a nosebleed?"
----------
A drunk man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie is stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick,
and a half empty bottle of gin is sticking out of his coat pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading.
After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks,
"Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The disgusted priest answers: "Loose living, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man."
"I'll be damned!" the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologizes: "I'm very sorry; I didn't mean to be so harsh. How bad is your arthritis?"
"Oh, I don't have it," replies the man; "It says here that the Pope does."
--------
Yoga Style
Two old women were talking and exchanging notes on their sexual activities. The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and putting her two legs behind her head yoga style.
The second old woman thought that was a great idea, so that night, when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed, she got totally naked and began the process of putting her two legs behind her head.
The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic but she finally got it in place. She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.
However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck that way with her butt sticking straight up in the air.
It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.
"Gladys!" he exclaimed. "For heavens sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in. You look like an asshole!"
--------
Open wider
There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.
She does and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."
She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon."
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.
This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"
So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?"
He says "No, I'm trying to get them out."
----------
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,
"There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens." 'How did you know?"
his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,"
he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting
away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them
all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked."
The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken" the boy explained.
"I'm looking for the seal."
---------
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."
---------
A guy walks into a gas station and buys a pack of cigarettes.
He pulls one out and starts smoking it. The cashier says, "Excuse me sir,
but you can't smoke in here." The guy says, "Don't you think
it's kinda dumb that I buy them here but can't smoke them here?"
And the cashier replies, "Not at all...we also sell condoms here."
-----------
A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.
After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.
The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "If neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."
Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrusts continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"
"Change of plans," the physician panted. "I'm going to drown the little bugger!"
------------
Sexual Maturity
Little Johnny was charged with the rape of a grown woman, and though the crime seemed highly improbable, the evidence was overwhelming.
As a last, desperate move, the defense counsel came over to the witness stand, pulled down Little Johnny's pants, and grabbed his tiny penis for all to see.
"Ladies and gentlemen," the lawyer cried, turning toward the jury box, "surely you cannot believe that such a small, still undeveloped organ is sexually mature?"
Growing more agitated he went on, "How could this miniature member be capable even of erection, let alone the rape of a fully grown woman."
"WATCH IT," yelped Little Johnny. "One more shake and you'll lose the case!"
----------
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the
criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be
institutionalised.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a
bed near the window?"
-------
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket."
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea....let's pretend we're married."
"Why not," giggles the woman.
"Good", he replies. "Get your own damn blanket."
----------
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet, rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.
He does so and she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
"Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" he replies.
"Well, can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" the woman asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his thick hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman - clearly aroused "is there anything I can do?".
"Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to lick them gently.
"Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, ''I like both.''
''Both?''
Engineer: ''Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.''
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, ''I like both.''
''Both?''
Engineer: ''Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done.''
