Jokes

[RaGe*NL*]

<RaGe^m00> a guy has 10 dollars and he wants to go to the whores, but thats never gonna be enough so he he thought ah well lets continue and he finally see some signs saying :"FUcking, 25 dollar, Jerking off, 15 dollar" , well he was all down and kinda thought he would never ever get anything with 10 bucks but he really wanted to go to teh ho's , so the guy walked and walked and he finally saw a small whole in the wall with a sign saying "blowjob for 10 bucks" so the dude puts 10 bucks in the whole and hes all excited and he is waiting and finally,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, and a dick comes out


A german dude comes to heaven and asks to petrus if he can come in, but petrus sais no, so the dude sais "I gave all my money to good causes and i left money to the church" so petrus sais he wants to talk to god, he comes back 30 minutes later and the german dude asks "ANd? "and petrus sais, normally we dont do it but here is ur money back (no offence ^^)



post urs o/:lol:

[Daverave29]

A married couple, for years the husband made love to his wife with the lights switched off.

One nite, the wife switched the light on, to discover in horror that he was using a dildo on her.

"Explain yourself!!" she shouted at him

"Fine" He said, "I'll explain the dildo if you can explain the kids"

[h3r3tic]

No Money
There were two friends drinking in a regular bar. When they were done drinking, both found out that they had no money to pay for the drinks. Not knowing what to do, the first guy said : "I have got an idea! Lets pretend we are gays. I'll grab a hot dog place it in my crotch and you'll blow on it. Everyone will think that you are blowing my penis and get disgusted by the scene and turn away. Then we'll run out without paying!"

The second guy agreed and they started carrying out thier plan. As predicted, everyone got disgusted and turned away from them, and they quickly ran out without anyone noticing them. The two guys were amazed by how well their trick worked and decided to visit other bars and do the same trick for free drinks. they visited seven bars, did the same trick and never got caught. they got really drunk and decided to go home. The second guy said.

"Man. I am beat, I had to blow that hot dog the whole night and my mouth just can't take it anymore."

"NO no no, I am beat." The first guy argued. " I lost that hot dog ever since the second bar!"

[Robotojon]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger.
In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days.
But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.
What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger,
who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening,
Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two
days.
What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.

Silver is brought to him and he whispers in the horse's ear. As
before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the
horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chiefs surprise,
Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more
attractive than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,
but I will still kill you tomorrow.

What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse, alone."

The Chief is curious,
but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
looks him square in the eye and says,
"Listen carefully dickhead, for the last time,
I said, "Bring Posse!"

[Psyche]

Frank and Bob, recently committed to a life time partnership, moved into together.

Their first morning together, Frank is in the shower getting ready for work. He walks out of the shower to find Bob beating off with a baggy in the other hand...

"What are you doing that for Bob? We just had sex last night" asks Frank

Bob answers "I was just packing you a lunch Frank"

[Dogfather]

A 90 year old man went to his doctor for a checkup. The doctor asks, "so how's everything going?"

Old man: "i feel great! I got a 18 year old wife pregnant with my child. Couldn't be any better."

Doctor:"lemme tell you a story... there was an old boy that mistook his umbrella for his shotgun one morning when he was going hunting for beavers. He got up in a tree and finally saw one walking by. He held up that umbrella and said 'bang bang' and the beaver fell down, dead. What do you say to that?"

old man: "I'd say someone else shot that beaver"

doctor: "My point exactly"

[MeSSiaH{FCU}]

Upgrading to Wife 1.0

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

A "don't remind me again" button.
Minimize button.
Ability to delete the "headache" file
An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss loss of other system resources.
An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!

VIRUS ALERT

All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems.

FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!

[mannyfresh027]

oh fo sho

[speedy]

There was once this happily married old couple, well, they were happy apart from one thing, the husband's bad habbit of breaking wind every morning.

On their 30th wedding anniversary, the wife woke up,as usual, coughing and and gasping for breath. She then decided that she was so fed up with this that she would get her revenge. So she went downstairs, into the kitchen, picked up a big bowl, and filled it with raw liver,mashed potato, gravy, red wine and minced beef, shemixed it all up, went upstairs and dumped the contents of the bowl into the bed next to her husband. She went downstairs and waited.

About an hour later, the wife heard acouple of huge farts reverberate off the foorboards and then she heard a blood curdling scream.

About an hour later the husband came down the stairs holding the "bloodstained" sheets and pyjamas. He then said

'wife, all these years you've been telling me, but i never did, but now i knew i should have listend.'

'What do you mean?' asked the wife tying not laugh.

'All these years you've been telling me that one day i'd fart my guts out, and today it finally happend. But by the grace of god and these two fingers i got them all back in again'

[Fruitcake]

a man walks into a bar.....OUCH! lmao im so funny

[Dazlin]

fruitcake has a brain hahahaha roflmao

[BlackFlame]

2

[BlackFlame]

wtf? 2 blondes walk into a bar... you would have thought one of them would have seen it

[Robotojon]

horse walks into a bar

barman says : why the long face ?

[Robotojon]

bear walks into the bar

barman says : what'll it be ?

bear replies : ill have .. .. .. .. .. .. ... .. . pint of lager please

barman says : why the long pause ?

bear replies: usefull for hunting and climbing trees