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Dutch People - The Manual 
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1. Never use the word "Dutch" in front of a Hollander. It reminds 
him too much of the word "Deutsch" which is a word for Germans and 
other things he doesn't like. A Dutchman is a Hollander or a 
Nederlander. 

2. Never ever try to speak Hollands even if you have lived in 
Holland for more than five years. Not only will it give you a 
splitting headache but also Hollanders won't understand a single 
word of what you are trying to say. Foreigners are expected to 
speak English or gibberish. Speaking gibberish they are easy prey for 
pickpockets since they can't make a report to the police. 

3. Also never try to eat "drop". Drop is a kind of licorice that 
only Hollanders can eat. It can be recognized by its colour: black. 
The taste is a cross between printer ink (blue) and earwax. 
Hollanders absolutely love it and eat kilos of the revolting stuff. 
There is a nationwide conspiracy to look at the faces of foreigners 
who are tricked into believing it is edible. 

4. Do not buy wooden shoes. They will look absolutely silly on you. 
Which is ofcourse the main reason for selling them to you in the 
first place. A Hollander himself wouldn't like to be found dead in 
them. (As a matter of fact, they wouldn't like to be found dead at 
all) 

5. Do not make holes in dikes. Behaviour like that is not only 
frowned upon but in certain cases can get you stoned to death with 
wooden shoes by an angry mob. You may feel free however to stick a 
finger in any dike you like. It'll get you a few good laughs from 
the natives. 

6. A Hollander is always right and he knows it. With this in the 
back of your mind it is easy to deal with most of them. If ever you 
get into an argument with a Hollander, tell him that he is 
absolutely right and that you see the error of your ways. This will 
drive him absolutely crazy: Since you are a foreigner you can't be 
right. You agree with him. Therefore he also cannot be right. 
Impossible! He is a Hollander. But.. why.. he.. At this point you 
may want to stand back and watch him try to strangle himself with a 
tulip. 

7. Windmills are unavoidable. 

8. It is not necessary to show an interest in tulips, windmills, 
wooden shoes or cheese. Every Hollander knows that you came for the 
softdrugs or the Amsterdam red light district, the Walletjes. Both 
are available in a large quantity and are easy to find. Ask any 
Hollander age six or older or any French tourist (see items 19 & 
20) 

9. Avoid fans of soccer games at all cost. Soccer in Holland is 
merely an excuse used for bashing in the brains of just about 
everyone else, including yours, after the game is won. ...Or 
lost...Or if it is a draw. It is also very unwise to stand near a 
policeman during these festivities. (see item 10) Also, whenever 
there's a Hollander around: "Don't mention the '74 final!". You'll 
end up in an ongoing discussion about how well the Orange team 
played and how marvellous it is that a small country like Holland 
has such a good team and blah-de-blah-de-blah. 

10. Policemen in Holland may be used for throwing things at. If you 
feel like hitting someone or something, use a policeman. No 
Hollander will pay any attention if you decide to hit, maim, or 
kick a policeman in the groin. Policemen represent authority and no 
Hollander recognizes any authority higher than himself. You may 
also note that a lot of Hollandse policemen are in fact foreigners 
tricked into taking the job. 

11. Hollanders do not like to spend money, they'd sooner cut off 
their own ears. A Hollander will become a friend for life if you 
give him something for free. (Note: Social diseases are an 
exception) LOL This might explain the success of MacDonald's in 
Holland. The story that copper wire is an invention of two 
Hollanders fighting over a found cent is absolutely true. 

12. Holland is small. There is a rumour that Holland is put inside 
during rainstorms. Not true, but that is mainly because it rains 
about 365 days each year. This might also explain those wooden 
shoes: They float. Yes, Holland is small and Hollanders are proud 
of it. They will grab every opportunity to point out to you that the 
nation has accomplished great things, despite of it being so small. 
A suitable answer to this swank is the Hollander's imperialistic 
past. Wich brings us -rather nicely- to item 13. 

13. If you wish to insult a Hollander -and sooner or later you 
will - simply tell him you don't think he is a pacifist. Now immediately 
start running for your life. He'll want to prove to you that he is 
a peace loving person and he won't stop proving this until your 
intestines are scattered all over the floor. However, mentioning a 
supposedly imperialistic past considering Surinam and/or Indonesia, 
will instantly reduce a Hollander to a pathetic, sniffing and 
crying child, begging for forgiveness. 

14. The Hollanders are supposed to be tolerant. They are not. They 
simply make too much money from the sale of soft- and hard-drugs, 
Malaysian women and pornography to foreigners to let an opportunity 
for making a good profit go by. 

15. The main form of public transportation in Holland is bikes. 
Feel free to take any bike of which you are able to pick the lock. Don't 
expect your own bike however to be where you left it three minutes 
earlier. The hunting season for bikes is open 365 days a year. Have 
fun. 

16. At nearly every meal in Holland you will find a small vicious 
looking blade with a slit in it. It is called a "kaasschaaf" and is 
used for taking very thin (the see-through kind) slices of the 
cheese. Yes, it is indeed an invention made by a Nederlander. Never 
cut cheese with a knife, you'll make an utter fool of yourself. 
Another peculiar dinner tool is the "flessenlikker", which 
literally means "bottle-licker", but which is best translated by 
"yoghurt-scraper". 
Note that this tool is not meant to get rid of an itchy back or for 
your nightly escapades. It's designed to clean out bottles of 
yoghurt or "vla" which is a sort of custard. The Nederlanders wants 
to use absolutely every millilitre of the yoghurt or 'vla' he 
bought. He paid for all of it and he'll jolly well eat all of it. 

17. At the time of this writing, the Hollandse economy is doing 
quite well. The Hollanders say that this is the result of extensive 
negotiating between parties like the unions, the employers and the 
government. They even have a name for this: The polder model. 
Foreigners are made to believe that this polder model is the key to 
a healthy economy and if others should follow this polder model, 
their economy's will also improve dramatically. This is utter 
nonsense. Hollanders just love to talk and talk and talk. Calling 
all this talking negotiations only gives them a sense of doing 
something useful. Talk is not cheap in Holland. 

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19. Hollanders have a special and unique service for -mainly- 
French tourists. As soon as they cross the border between Belgium and 
Holland, they are welcomed enthusiastically by young men in fast 
cars. These young people wish to point out to the French tourist 
where the more interesting touristy places in Holland can be found. 
Strangely enough they always seem to end up in a coffee shop (see 
item 20). Funny people those French. 

20. There is a fast and guaranteed way of making a complete fool of 
yourself in Holland: Enter a coffee shop and ask for a cappuccino. 
Coffee shops do not -remember this- do not sell coffee. You can 
however get a good number of other stimulating drugs there. For 
some unknown reason coffee shops are extremely popular with French 
tourists. 

21. A Fries is a semi-detached sort of Nederlander, living in the 
north of the country in a province all for himself. He is fond of 
frozen water, Beerenburg (which is a form of euthanasia with 
alcohol) and continuously pointing out to non-Fries Hollanders that 
they are -indeed- not Fries. The rest of the Hollanders look upon 
this behaviour with the good natured ambivalent feelings that 
parents have for an obstinate child. 

22. On the matter of what books to buy before you come to Holland, 
I can recommend the following: The complete works of William 
Shakespeare or a leather-bound volume of the Encyclopaedia 
Britannica (the 1913 copy: Fr to He). In my experience these two 
books have just about the right weight for clubbing a pushy drug 
dealer or pimp on the head without leaving any marks. After hitting 
you might want to drop the book you were carrying at that moment 
for a more speedy retreat. Bring plenty of books. 

23. Do not bother to hire a car. Not only can you steal more bikes 
than you will need but car-traffic in Holland is not something you 
will enjoy. In the rest of the world traffic jams are measured in 
miles or kilometres, Nederlandse traffic jams are measured in 
weeks. 
As a matter of fact, the more persistent traffic-jams are well 
worth a touristic visit. The sight of starving people in an expensive 
Mercedes can be quite uplifting if you are of a philosophic nature. 
You may want to bring some pieces of bread with you to throw 
through open car windows. The resulting fights can often be worth 
>watching. 

24. Contrary to popular belief, you may not bring your mother-in- 
law to Holland for do-it-yourself euthanasia. Tourists are warned not 
to take these matters into their own hands. 

25. Whether you are catholic, Muslim or worshipper of Urrrgl, god 
of all honest politicians, in Holland you are likely to run into a 
church, temple or oak-tree-and-virgin of your liking. Hollanders 
are supposed to be very tolerant of other believes, ways of life and 
religious convictions. They are not. The only reason for there 
being so many different churches, sects and cults is the fact that 
Hollanders disagree on just about anything. A Hollander is always 
right (see item 6) and anyone who thinks different than him can 
jolly well bugger off and start his own church. 

26. Holland is a kingdom. It has no king but a queen and her 
husband is no king but a prince. The queen doesn't rule the country -well, 
not much anyway- but she is very good at opening bridges, roads and 
visiting other countries. She is also very decorative at state 
banquets. Her son, the crown prince, will be king as soon as she 
stops queening (nice word eh. Now his wife won't be a queen but 
she will be a princess because Nederland is much too small for a 
king and a queen at the same time. On April the 30th its Queen's 
Day, which is not the birthday of the queen, but the birthday of 
princess Juliana the queen's mother (who used to be the queen). It 
is no wonder that more and more Nederlanders wish to make Holland a 
republic. Queen's Day, by the way, has nothing to do with royal 
festivities. It's just a Hollander's excuse to drink large 
quantities of alcohol. On Queen's Day Hollanders also 
sell garbage in the streets. 

27. It might be wise to learn how to swim if you visit Holland. No, 
the dikes will hold, that is not the problem. The huge amount of 
ditches, moats, canals, rivers and brooks can however lead to 
mistakes. The shiny nice new asphalt road that you wish to drive 
your car on during a rainstorm, may in fact not be a road at all. 

28. The Hollandse art. Most Nederlandse painters get to be famous 
only after they have died. That is a very sensible arrangement from 
the publics point of view. Not only do you get large quantities of 
paintings -a man has got to eat, right?- but it also makes a nice 
investment for art-lovers. The painters themselves do not share 
this view at all but are unable to do anything about it. In at least one 
case the frustration has led to self-mutilation involving an ear. 

29. If one of your Hollandse friends invites you for a birthday 
party, prepare yourself for a unique experience. Unique, because it 
can only be compared to taking place on a wooden chair which has a 
sharp nail driven through the underside of the seat, and not being 
able to move for a month. More than one foreigner has been driven 
to the brink of insanity in just one evening. A Hollandse birthday 
party consists of sitting in a chair, talking to other Hollanders 
about your work, your car, foreigners and politics. You are 
expected to leave at 11 pm and you'll gladly do so. 

30. Do not get sick in Nederland. Over the last ten years, the 
famous Hollandse healthcare has been privatised. These days some 
operations, like open heart surgery, have a waiting list of more 
than six months. The doctors don't think that is a problem, "More 
than half of our patients for open heart surgery never even show up 
anyway" they say. Some Nederlandse patients who have become 
desperate, move to a country like Mozambique, Iraq or Pakistan 
where healthcare is infinitely better. 

31. Nederlanders leave their curtains open in the evening. This 
used to be so that the neighbours could always check if your family 
didn't gamble or drink alcohol. These days it is a precaution 
against junkies trying to steal the stereo from the family car, 
parked in front of the house. It has the fortunate side effect that 
you can watch Hollanders in their natural surroundings, in front of 
the television, watching soaps. 

32. Holland has more cities than only Amsterdam. ike ..erm. 
..Well, it has!! 

33. Hollandse beer has made quite a reputation for itself over the 
years. Some people even drink it. Brewing is indeed one of the 
things Hollanders traditionaly do very well. Holland never used to 
be a country with anything more interesting to do than to drink 
oneself blind in new and interesting ways or make paintings. This 
made the beer industry very popular. Experts claim that once you 
have drank Hollandse beer like Heineken, Grolsch or Amstel, all 
other beers taste like the tapwater in a Rotterdam hotel. 

34. Hollandse tapwater is safe to drink. This is quite remarkable 
considering that most drinking water comes from poluted rivers like 
the Rhine. Plans to improve the quality of the riverwater, so that 
fish like salmon will return to Hollandse rivers to spawn, can 
count on strong resistance from the Nederlanders. They don't like the 
idea of animals having sex in their drinking water.